A run away
Today I will be sharing something really close to my heart, words that haven't been able to come out of my mouth without tears flowing down my cheeks but I figured it is about time for me to really leave the past behind and let it go.
When my life took a downturn 3 years ago, my first thought was to leave the place that was hurting me. Well, I left eventually but I stayed for 2 years, trying to fit in again, before officially leaving.
Within those 2 years, all I can recall was the anxiety that comes and goes. Of course, I had my fair share of laughter and good memories by forming stronger bonds with others that I never spoke to before that incident happen but the judgment and labels cast on me had imprinted deeply into my heart. I could no longer go about being my true self without being conscious of what others would think of me.
By the end of 2019, I told myself to leave. I finally stood up for myself and made the decision to be done with that place. Honestly, looking back now, I might have hurt some by the way I exited and I apologise for that. It was definitely not an easy decision as I spent a decade growing up in that place but I chose to run away as a decade of journeying in that place left me broken, hurt, and lost.
I spent 2019 trying to figure out my purpose in life and who am I really but till today I have no answer. I tried going to many places trying to find a community where I can finally say I have a second family but I know a part of me still can't let go of the place I grew up in. Slowly, I fell into a pile of lies and masking the fact that I am unhappy. I was still hurting deep down and certainly ran away from facing my reality once again.
6 months into 2020.
A few nights ago, I broke down realising the unsolved issue in my heart. I held many grudges against the people who hurt me as it hurt most coming from the people you love. But I guess the moment I left, the friendship was over too. There was no closure or anything sort of ending, everything was left as it is.
As I was breaking down, I said to myself maybe if that person apologises to me I guess I can put the whole incident behind me but I know deep down that person will never ever apologise even if the sky falls to the ground.
So how can I resolve this and be at peace?
This journey taught me nothing but forgiveness. Even if I don't get an apology, I will need to stop blaming and dwelling on it and start forgiving myself as well. It is a humbling journey and I would honestly kill to go back there to be with the people I love but what is the point of being in a place where you don't fit in? A place where I need to constantly be the one reaching out despite knowing deep down everyone already has a place in each other's hearts and there is no room for me.
Someone wise once told me, "When you reach my age, you will realise some people just choose NOT to be in your life despite you choosing them. They have a choice like you so don't beat yourself too hard as they did not choose you." This statement changed my perspective on things and I finally understood why I should never place any expectations on reciprocation. That being said, of course, don't let yourself be made use of.
Adulting; realising I no longer have the capacity to care and love for every single person in my life with a full-time job and a side hustle but through it all, if they are a true friend they will understand and it is a mutual understanding that priorities shifted but the relationship will always always be there and we can always pick it up where we left off.
The nasty comments on me, the labels placed on me, the judgment cast on the things I do will always be part of me (sadly) as it has already been engraved deeply on my heart. I guess sometimes even if you try to brush off sarcastic remarks made on you, you are already affected subconsciously. After going through that, I seriously urge everyone to be more mindful of the words that come out of your mouth. Also, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
What a journey it has been! I am certainly moving on from high school drama and mind games.
Thank you for reading! :')
ps. hit me up if you need a listening ear or to catch up with me @heyr1e on ig.
By the end of 2019, I told myself to leave. I finally stood up for myself and made the decision to be done with that place. Honestly, looking back now, I might have hurt some by the way I exited and I apologise for that. It was definitely not an easy decision as I spent a decade growing up in that place but I chose to run away as a decade of journeying in that place left me broken, hurt, and lost.
I spent 2019 trying to figure out my purpose in life and who am I really but till today I have no answer. I tried going to many places trying to find a community where I can finally say I have a second family but I know a part of me still can't let go of the place I grew up in. Slowly, I fell into a pile of lies and masking the fact that I am unhappy. I was still hurting deep down and certainly ran away from facing my reality once again.
6 months into 2020.
A few nights ago, I broke down realising the unsolved issue in my heart. I held many grudges against the people who hurt me as it hurt most coming from the people you love. But I guess the moment I left, the friendship was over too. There was no closure or anything sort of ending, everything was left as it is.
As I was breaking down, I said to myself maybe if that person apologises to me I guess I can put the whole incident behind me but I know deep down that person will never ever apologise even if the sky falls to the ground.
So how can I resolve this and be at peace?
This journey taught me nothing but forgiveness. Even if I don't get an apology, I will need to stop blaming and dwelling on it and start forgiving myself as well. It is a humbling journey and I would honestly kill to go back there to be with the people I love but what is the point of being in a place where you don't fit in? A place where I need to constantly be the one reaching out despite knowing deep down everyone already has a place in each other's hearts and there is no room for me.
Someone wise once told me, "When you reach my age, you will realise some people just choose NOT to be in your life despite you choosing them. They have a choice like you so don't beat yourself too hard as they did not choose you." This statement changed my perspective on things and I finally understood why I should never place any expectations on reciprocation. That being said, of course, don't let yourself be made use of.
Adulting; realising I no longer have the capacity to care and love for every single person in my life with a full-time job and a side hustle but through it all, if they are a true friend they will understand and it is a mutual understanding that priorities shifted but the relationship will always always be there and we can always pick it up where we left off.
The nasty comments on me, the labels placed on me, the judgment cast on the things I do will always be part of me (sadly) as it has already been engraved deeply on my heart. I guess sometimes even if you try to brush off sarcastic remarks made on you, you are already affected subconsciously. After going through that, I seriously urge everyone to be more mindful of the words that come out of your mouth. Also, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
What a journey it has been! I am certainly moving on from high school drama and mind games.
Thank you for reading! :')
ps. hit me up if you need a listening ear or to catch up with me @heyr1e on ig.
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